in the Human Mind is Fear. Fear creates aggressiveness” ~Dorothy Thompson.
Dot there was an american Journalist and radio voice. I think she speaks wise words.
When we’re afraid we’re aggressive. We don’t listen, we let chemicals and hormones take over our bodies. Fight or flight. There’s mounds written on it.
There’s other fear too. Specific phobias that are actually anxiety disorders. Fears of phlebotomy and medical procedures, Heights, Bugs, wide open spaces, tiny closed in spaces, clowns.
I’m afraid of being thought something I am not. Today for instance, a cheater.
I do not cheat.
I have. In the past. The past is my fertilizer and now I am busy growing things – beautiful things. Things that have no room for cheating, lies and deceit. I do not know the SGT administering the test and he does not know me. He perhaps sees me looking up and at the PFCs paper. I move my eyes around. In and out of focus. It is a small room. I do not read her answers though her paper is in front of me.
Think think think.
HCG is _____ and secreted from the _________. I have no idea. I write in “a hormone” and “Trophoblast” since those are the only words in my head. I do not know if they are the words on the paper in front of me.
Papers collected, pens down. “Who in here cheated?” His face a dark, ugly scowl. My jaw drops. I am surprised and dismayed. I do not know who cheated but I feel his eyes on me. Shit. No.
I feel icky. I cannot shake the feeling.
My mind spins out of control for most of the ride home. I could lose my rank. I could get kicked out of the program. I want to talk to him but am afraid of looking like I am protesting too much.
Fear. It’s a vicious, complex cycle.