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I have no words tonight.  Blogging every day is hard and while I’m committed I don’t want crappy posts clogging up my blog here. Also, I’m tired of complaining about the same things over and over.  So I’m going this route tonight. A live feed of my brain of sorts and an attempt to focus on the prompt.

I struggle with my “lot in life” right now.  Being in the military.  It sucks.

It sucks being a broken record about this stuff. SSDD problems.

How am I dealing with it?  I think we can all agree that I’m not.  Or at least not so well.

Husband described me as a “big ball of rage” last night.

Ms. D asked me about my anxiety today.

So if I thought I was doing well at coping (I wasn’t really) I think it’s safe to say that it’s clear I’m not.

For now, I am bribing myself with a mint green pleated dress if I can go 2 weeks without complaining, crying, or threatening to “punch someone in the teeth” (or throat).

bam

Reasonable?  Maybe.

I need to focus on choosing to react differently.  Let’s face it – I’m NOT going to change the military. Nothing about it.  I’m trying to be okay with that.

Husband said it perfectly last night. “You’re in love with what the military should be not what it actually is.”  YES. I’m surprised the heavens didn’t open and I didn’t hear angels sing – it was that much of an “ah-hah” moment.

Maybe things are different on the commissioned side.  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I ever will.  That’s okay. Our plan was for me to finish out my 20 or so after I got my masters and a commission. Things might be changing.  I feel about about that.  At the end of this contract I’ll have over 15 in.

That’s a lot to walk away from.

It’s also a lot of time to scream and shout and cry.

For now, I will focus on my pretty green prize and remembering that I have a choice in how I react and handle things.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other. Trying to remember to ask myself “In 5 days, will this matter? 5 months? 5 years?”  Trying to put it in perspective.

It’s hard but sometimes life is.

Gee. If only there were a quote about how hard life can be.

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