10 fingers 10 toes

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“I asked on July 6th 2010 when you two were going to make me an uncle and you said ‘please let us get married first.’ Well, it’s your wedding day and so I’m bringin’ it up again. Please make me an uncle.”

Everyone laughed.

“When are you two going to have kids?” …”I’m going to be too old to enjoy my grandkids” …”If I were my mother, I’d have 4 grandbabies at this age” … “you know that saying – you plan – Gd laughs” …When? “You’re going to have kids, right?” “Is anything wrong? It’s been (over) a year” …

biological-clock

I consciously order wine with meals. I see their disappointment. I sip my pinot noir.

The questions rain down on us. I feel the pressure of biology and time.

I feel the ache. The desire. The fear.

Are we ready to jump off that “everything changes when you have a baby” cliff? You can’t un-jump. When did we come to this point in our lives? When did I start calculating and planning and thinking “I might be three months by then”?

 We have all the boxes checked. We’re in love, married, have a house that even has a fenced in back yard for pete’s sake. Financial stability?  Unless you’re comparing us to Warren Buffett or some Wall Street CEO – we’re good.  We can pay our bills add some to savings, take a trip here and there.

The right time is an illusion. (Isn’t it?) There will never be enough money, time or trips taken. I know that. We know that. Our lives have been in flux for years. 6 months here, 6 months there. I wish we had found each other earlier. Have we enjoyed being married, being just the two of us for long enough? Is there ever a long-enough?

Can’t we just be happy with where we’re at? Believing that we are where we’re supposed to be? It’s so hard to trust. There is so much wrapped up in this. The first (? maybe. I don’t know) grandchild. Ohmygoodness.

I am scared of pregnancy. I am worried about flowing hormones and stretch marks and autism and pain. Of parenting. Of things never being the same.

Surely these aren’t the questions that are pertinent in my life right now?

Baby names via text with Sister today. This spelling or that? Does this first name go with our last name? Husband doesn’t like this one but I do. What about this? We laugh and side with each other before ending the conversation, content that there is more (much?) than 9 months left to decide.

Perhaps this game will take over our “ugly wedding dress quest” where we emailed each other hideous tulle and lace confections in order to induce a smile.

Someday.

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5 Blogs I Adore

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Why are the easy posts for the weekend when I have lots of time yet the challenging ones are during the week day?  I suppose I could take the time and write a bit in advance but where would the fun be without that last minute scramble?

how-to-love

1 – I did the lovebomb post for the Other E, so clearly she’s on this list. She has a unique way of writing and it never fails to make me go “I wish I wrote that”.

2 – Laowai Amok pt. 2 – super awesome, super honest, super random at times personal blog.  I check this blog every day cuz I don’t want to miss a post

3 – CatRuns – a newly found blog that I very much enjoy reading.  I’m noticing a trend with the blogs I like reading.  They’re all authentic and honest which is an excellent start. Throw in the fact that these ladies can write and it’s bound to give you some good reads.

4 – Twinisms – this lady has 2 sets of twins and is an Army wife.  Her life is never dull.  She’s got a sharp tongue and quick wit.  Love it.

5 – Girl’s Gone Child.  Lovely photos.  Raw writing. This is the post that got me hooked.

Race Day!

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Have I been training? Not really.

ImageI signed up on a whim after a super-awesome-bad-ass-LT asked me to.  We ran together once. (Twice if you count the mandatory fun run).

Last time I ran 5 miles was on a treadmill and I ended up with one rockin’ blister.

My goal today is to finish.

Bonus points if I am inspired to sign up for and train for that half marathon in July. We shall see.

UPDATE

IMG_1260Race packet picked up. Headphones in.  Debate about keeping the jacket on. Decide that I should keep it on.  I hate being cold.

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SO glad Husband caught this face on camera.  Sorry (I’m not sorry) I’m so photogenic.

3 miles in I’m hoping Husband has found the markers so I can toss him my coat.  No such luck.  Oh well.  I’m almost done.

IMG_1279Super pumped that I can see the finish line and have found both Husband and Gracie in the crowd.  I think my thought process was something like “That dog looks like Gracie – oh! Husband!”

I finished around 45 minutes which is pretty damn good.  I’d have liked to have been faster and I’d also have liked to not thrown up at the end of it.  I don’t know why that happens to me but it pretty consistently does – even at the end of PT tests which are a mere 2 miles.

IMG_1294Hydrate Gracie with my new super awesome water bottle.  She did a lot of the heavy lookin’ on and pulling on the leash, she was very thirsty. (Also, does it look like I’ve got baldness creeping in or is it clear it’s just a very bad ponytail?)

We wandered about the runners fair for awhile and then I signed up for a free massage. How brilliant is that idea? Completely.

IMG_1300Yes, I think I will be signing up for the 13.1 miler in July.  For that one I will actually train. I think.

Memory = Events + Time

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They’ve always had the best backyard.  It was meant for running around and getting sweaty in.

My parents had just married and I had the best shoes ever. White with pastel inlays of geometric shapes.  My big sister and I were spending a long weekend with my grandparents and we were very excited.  Our grandparents were (are) amazing.

Reme with her “Bless your heart!” and Pappy with his gadgets and caterpillar eyebrows that so easily knitted together when he laughed.

My white shoes were completely grass stained since I wouldn’t take them off even though Reme had implored me to.  Mom had called us to check in as soon as they had reached their B&B in Vermont.  We were fine, nothing to worry about.

“Does anyone here like ice cream?”  Pappy asked with a grin.  He knew the answer of course, we were 5 and 8.

It was a small ice cream stand specific to the summer months not even 5 miles from their house and big backyard.  I shyly asked for the bubblegum flavor in a cone.  My five year old self lacked the ice cream eating prowess to keep up with the melting and soon I was a sticky yet happy mess.  Everyone else was done before me.  Reme was eager to get us home and into bed since it had been such a long day.

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We loaded up into their new Oldsmobile, me and my ice cream included.  By the time we parked in the driveway I had done it.  My ice cream was gone.  The bubblegum bits were in my hair, on my shorts and mashed into the blue upholstery of the new car.

I started to cry when my Reme came around to help me out of the car.  My Pappy started to laugh. He was excited to use Goo-Gone, something new he had picked up on base. Reme tittered and worried about it bothering my sensitive skin.

She hoisted me up on the bathroom sink and tested out the citrusy scented liquid on my knee, no reaction occurred.  15 minutes later I was in the tub, gum remnants that the Goo-Gone didn’t dissolve and grass stains washed down the drain, no haircut required.

I inquired about the interior of the car, my head on the pillow, sister asleep beside me.  “It’s fine sweetheart.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead.  “Thanks for giving me a reason to try that stuff out.”  He chuckled, clicking off the light.

Oh What a Night… Late October 2009

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It Began Something New

This Began Something New

I stood up from tying the corset topped fishnet stocking.

“Would you like to go to Shul with me sometime?” He asked, leaning up against the door frame, nonchalant and chill.  Remarkably comfortable in blue lamè and lipstick.

Shul… shul… shul… somewhere in my frazzled brain was a voice telling me I should know what “shul” meant.  I needed to know what that word meant. Don’t let him know you don’t know what that word means

My place was so full of people I didn’t know and people I didn’t like. My head was so full of contrary thoughts.

I liked himI wasn’t supposed to. That was bad. Nicole liked him.  She likes everybody a snarky voice whispered. My snarky voice.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Are they ever?

Things were already spinning out of control, snowballing full speed down a steep hill where everyone and everything in its way was going to be demolished.  The USS EJ leaves a massive wake of destruction.

I sobbed.  I hiccuped. I emerged from the bedroom but he was gone.  Fishnet clad legs carried him out of the condo and into his truck with 4 or 5 drunken friends, his job for the night to drive them safely to their next destination where presumably the hostess wouldn’t abandon her guests to cry in the bedroom.

Messed up? Beyond description. Regardless of the fucked up things going on that night and in my life, that was I was asked out on my last first date.  So looking like Cleopatra and seeing some man legs in fishnets will always make my knees go a little squishy.

 

Live Feed into my “Lot in Life”

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I have no words tonight.  Blogging every day is hard and while I’m committed I don’t want crappy posts clogging up my blog here. Also, I’m tired of complaining about the same things over and over.  So I’m going this route tonight. A live feed of my brain of sorts and an attempt to focus on the prompt.

I struggle with my “lot in life” right now.  Being in the military.  It sucks.

It sucks being a broken record about this stuff. SSDD problems.

How am I dealing with it?  I think we can all agree that I’m not.  Or at least not so well.

Husband described me as a “big ball of rage” last night.

Ms. D asked me about my anxiety today.

So if I thought I was doing well at coping (I wasn’t really) I think it’s safe to say that it’s clear I’m not.

For now, I am bribing myself with a mint green pleated dress if I can go 2 weeks without complaining, crying, or threatening to “punch someone in the teeth” (or throat).

bam

Reasonable?  Maybe.

I need to focus on choosing to react differently.  Let’s face it – I’m NOT going to change the military. Nothing about it.  I’m trying to be okay with that.

Husband said it perfectly last night. “You’re in love with what the military should be not what it actually is.”  YES. I’m surprised the heavens didn’t open and I didn’t hear angels sing – it was that much of an “ah-hah” moment.

Maybe things are different on the commissioned side.  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I ever will.  That’s okay. Our plan was for me to finish out my 20 or so after I got my masters and a commission. Things might be changing.  I feel about about that.  At the end of this contract I’ll have over 15 in.

That’s a lot to walk away from.

It’s also a lot of time to scream and shout and cry.

For now, I will focus on my pretty green prize and remembering that I have a choice in how I react and handle things.  One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other. Trying to remember to ask myself “In 5 days, will this matter? 5 months? 5 years?”  Trying to put it in perspective.

It’s hard but sometimes life is.

Gee. If only there were a quote about how hard life can be.

8 Days a Week

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0621

“Love, you really need to get up.  You said you wanted/need to leave by 630 so you’ve gotta put the burners on.”

I refuse reality for a few more minutes and then force myself out of bed with the promise that I can sleep “all day” Saturday.

Showered and out the door at 0640 I feel pretty good about the start of the day.  IMG_3093Traffic is nice to me and I arrive at work a bit early.  I settle into my desk and click on the microscope.  The goal for today?  A very reasonable 15 abnormal differentials after sitting down with my boss to go over Leukemias.

0734

“Dr. Firestone, please call ext 74AW##89” The lights flash and doors slam close.  Seriously? I heave myself out of my chair and head to the rally point for the required fire-drill accountability.

0800

Back at my desk I dig into my differentials.

YAY Cells!

YAY Cells! (That’s an NRBC BTW)

Evesdropping ensues for awhile as my boss talks at great lengths to someone I loathe.  I find it fascinating how people can be perceived so differently.  Boss sure seems to adore him.  I want to tell her she’s way off base, but I turn back to my microscope and focus on the poor child with ALL.

1245

I eat lunch.  Today it’s black bean, corn and tomato pizza.  I’ve been eating this for the last few days since Husband is not a fan and I don’t like throwing away food.

1315 

Sit down with Boss lady to go over the different Leukemias and cell differentials.

1340

Left back to our own devices.

“Hey C – I should know this by now, but I don’t.  Think this is a Meta or a Myelo?”

“Is this an x or a y?”

“MY HEAD HURTS!”

“Oh!  I found an Auer rod! Oh wait, no that’s bad.”

“Hey C – do you think this is a or b?”

1545

Formation before everyone but us two go to the gym.  Learn about Friday’s plan.

1800

Home.  Converse with Sister about how horrible Beckett is to Castle and how awesome Brennan is with Booth (even if she is awkward).

1808

Phone call for In Law’s birthday. BIG numbers this time around.

1900

Dinner and Burn Notice.

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2000

study, fuss, vent, bitch, moan, eat ice cream, study, pack bag for work tomorrow.

2215

*End Scene*

 

*Apologies as this is probably the worst post I’ve written but I’m committed to this blog-a-day-in-May thing damnit.  I’m gonna see it through. I am I am! *

a happy list

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* Education.  Learning new things.  Things I’m interested in even if they make me sad, uncomfortable or angry.  It’s important to know what’s going on in this world of ours.  Besides – how are you going to change things if you don’t know about them?

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  ~ Ghandi

* Skype  or Facetime dates that bridge the gap while we are away.  They’re not a substitute for real hugs and wine dates but they’re 100% better than nothing.

* Salt water.  The sea soothes my soul.  Salt rolling off my skin, soaking my clothes makes me feel powerful. A hiccuping cry, while not even in the ballpark of qualifying for pretty, exhausts me.  Peaceful sleep ensues and a new perspective is achieved when I wake.

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“The cure for anything is salt water – tears, sweat or the sea.” ~ Isak Dineson

* Husband.  I am crazy about him.  Crazy in love with him.  Have been since (almost) day one.  Always will be.  Always.

“Where you go I will go.  Where you stay, I will stay.”  ~ Ruth 1:16

* A good cup of coffee.  Made just right with the perfect amount of creme, the temperature not too hot, but not yet tepid. The rich aroma swirling doing it’s best to wake or refresh me.  Pure decadence.

“No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for “Before Coffee.” ~ Cherise Sinclair

* Target.  Shirts, shoes, batteries, presents, a loaf of bread . . . what was it I came in here for?  Target may be a little brutal on my wallet sometimes but should I ever need anything – it’s there for me.

*Not hitting traffic in the morning when I leave a little late. There’s that window – 15 minutes maybe – and some mornings I just can’t make it out the door on time.  I am so very grateful when G-d smiles on me and clears traffic.  It prevents my day from going sour before 8am. Always a good thing.

“I’m wanted at the traffic jam. They’re saving me a seat.”  ~ Leonard Cohen

* Heated steering wheels and butt warmers.  Normally we live in cold states.  These items are necessary.

* Taking a really good picture.  Getting the camera to act as my eyes always gives me a thrill.

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” ~ Ansel Adams

Ansel Adams

Ansel Adams

* This life of mine.  It’s not perfect, it’s not neat and tidy but it is mine and I am happy every day that I get to live it on my own terms.

“I faced it all and I stood tall; And did it my way.”  ~ Frank Sinatra

Giant Bag of Lowered Expectations

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I am sorry that I am this 5’6 ball of rage lately. While I’m sure it makes me your first choice when you think “Fun person to hang out with!” I should really work on getting the hell over it.  For my sanity more than yours.

I think The Rage stems from eating out of the bag of lowered expectations for the last 8 months.  I am sorry that I can’t adjust.  It would be so much easier.

Low and Delicious

How Low Can You Go? 

I extend my apologies to my soldiers.  I shouldn’t have yelled at you this morning when you strolled up to the 1SG’s formation late.  I’m sure that was embarrasing, and for that I apologize.  

I am sorry that my anger and constant disappointment chip away at my professionalism. I should just let me Give-A-Damn be busted and move on with it already. Cross your fingers for me, this might just be the week it happens.

To the SPC Gateguard who was quipping to his friend about “the more retarded I act the less I get to do! It’s awesome,” I extend my apologies.  It was rude of me to interrupt and offer that advice, which you clearly do not need. I apologize.

I am sorry for the sarcastic tone of this post.  How’s that go?  hastag:sorryi’mnotsorry?  or is it #sorryi’mnotsorry.  Whatever. 

I am sorry that you don’t want to hang out with me and my rage because clearly, I’m awesome.

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Roots

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Today’s prompt:  Something you miss.

There are people I miss, too many to mention individually.  Plus, I don’t want to go down that weepy tissue necessary road.

There are times in my life that I miss. Times where the entire world seemed stretched out before me and if I made a few wrong choices here and there it didn’t matter.

I only miss those things when I sit and think about them.  When I get frustrated planning my next move – wishing I was younger so I could do it all and it wouldn’t matter or at least timing didn’t matter so much.  I miss my Pappy when I think about my Navy days and when I see how well he and Husband would have gotten along.

What I really miss these days are roots.

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Being a part of a community, not being afraid to make friends (why bother if you’re just moving on in 3-6 months?) joining a book club, being a member of a congregation that jives with our values.

Having been transient for the least 2.5 years makes me crave the idea of being able to put paint on the walls. Normalcy. Plant a garden with my black thumbs. Oh my Nana would be proud at my attempt but ashamed at the plant massacre that is sure to ensue. Have friends over for parties and meet up for a run around the lake or a much needed wine/vent session.

I miss the stability that comes with roots and while I appreciate the lessons we’ve learned together along the way I am saying uncle.  I am admitting that we – Husband and I – are not meant to be nomads.

We like our roots.

Oh yes. The world is a big beautiful place and I want to see as much of it as possible. I also want to go home after a week or maybe even a month (if it’s a really good trip) and be in my space.  A place we can customize and change as we wish.  A place worthy of printing up address labels and investment.

I crave to settle into a place where time really moves too fast. We are done with counting down until this is over.

Roots.