I hit “publish” and smile. YES. Today is IT! Any minute now! … Any … minute.
For the comments to pour in. For the affirmation that the rest of the world thinks I’m as Hilarious/Profound/Absurd/Brilliant as I think I am. I will be queen of the blog-world! Freshly Pressed fame coming my way! Any …. Minute …. now …
I rove around online. Find other blogs. WHAT? They have 1750 followers? What. The. Heck. Why? They didn’t even use the write “too” there! I’ve had that thought before! I write way better than they do! Why are there 158 comments on that post? Oh yeah? I’ll comment too: “This. Is. Stupid.”* Take that!
I research blog designs. Maybe if I’m dressed better? Maybe without the cookie cutter theme alà free Wordpres people would stay longer? Fancy trappings rarely hurt.
Once again I feel like the kid searching for the open seat in the busy cafeteria. Where is there room for me to sit? My grumpy pants get even tighter.
I resolve to stop looking at the stats. Stop checking the WordPress app on my iPhone. (that lasts maybe a day) I continue to surf the blog-o-sphere. I comment with nice things about posts I truly like. I look at their designs and bookmark or pin some ideas.
I remind myself why I blog. To record our little micro history. To create an archive of Husband and my’s life. To share. I smile again. It’s okay that I don’t have a comment on that post. My sister liked it. My BAMF bestie liked it. These words on this blog helped bridge the gap from here to Mid-West and East Coast.
I still get envious – judgements are free and insecurity runs rampant in my head. I’m working on it. Acknowledgement is step 1.
To quote a favorite writer of mine:
“It’s a closed circuit system, sweet pea. You are not one iota more worthy of love or inclusion than that boy. No matter what happens, no matter how old you are, I know for certain that so long as you believe yourself to be superior to him you will never feel okay with yourself. Until you are incapable of writing the sentence “while I’m stuck with an anti-social kid who picks his nose,” you will never truly believe yourself to be welcome among others. You must love in order to be loved. You must be inclusive in order to feel yourself among the included. You must give in order to receive.” – Sugar* I would never and have never done that in real life. Ever.